


The Demons Within

by sapphic_phoenix



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Depression, Eating Disorders, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Health Issues, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-20
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:20:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22810039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphic_phoenix/pseuds/sapphic_phoenix
Summary: Sometimes you need someone to help you vanquish the demons inside you.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	1. Anorexia

**Author's Note:**

> Just me, projecting my own problems onto fictional characters. Take it for whatever it is.

“You don’t deserve it,” the demon whispers. Its voice is like a chill burning through the core of my being. “You haven’t earned it. It’s not your right. It’s not yours to take.” Its words seep into my mind at all hours of the day. I have no escape.

“It’s bad for you,” the demon says. My mind is inclined to agree with it. “It’ll ruin your body. It’s a drain on your ship. You’re taking from your crew.” It’s hard to find an argument against it.

“You’re a bad person for even considering it,” the demon says. “No one would forgive you for taking such a luxury that you don’t deserve. You haven’t done enough to earn it. You haven’t done enough at all.”

The replicator looms before me, taunting me. I’m helpless in the demon’s grasp. Its judgmental eyes watching my every movement. Its weight is heavy on my shoulders.

“Coffee,” I say eventually. “Black.” Devoid of sweetness, the beverage appears. An appetite suppressant, I read somewhere. It’s all I deserve. It’s all I can allow myself to have.

The door chimes. I stop mid-sip. “Come in,” I say.

Chakotay enters. His hand is behind his back. He approaches me slowly.

He takes my cup in one hand and offers me the other. He is holding a small pink alien fruit.

“Food first,” he says. “Then coffee.”

I take the fruit. It tastes like a plum.

“Don’t listen to the demon inside,” he says. “You’ll always deserve to eat.”


	2. Depression

“You’re a failure,” the demon hisses in her ear. “You failed to get your crew home. You failed to be the captain they need. You failed to be the lover Chakotay wants. You failed them all.

“You’re not good enough,” the demon whispers. “You’re not a good enough captain. You’re not a good enough person. You’re not a good enough friend. You have so many flaws and faults it’s a wonder anyone puts up with you. They’re all secretly glad that you hide yourself away so they don’t have to deal with you. You’ve lost everyone you’ve ever cared about. You’ve pushed them away too many times. They’ll never come back to you.

“It would be so easy to just let it all go,” the demon tells me in my mind. “Just fill the bath a little too full and lie down in it. Just grab that phaser in your nightstand and aim it at your head. Just replicate a knife and make it quick and clean.

“No one would miss you. No one cares enough to miss you. No one loves you or wants you anyway, so why are you still here?”

It’s nights like these I end up at his door, wringing my hands nervously as I wait for permission to enter. Sometimes he’s in his night clothes, and I feel bad for rousing him so late.

“One of those nights, huh?” he says. He opens his arms and I walk into them wordlessly. His strong embrace comforts me. “I’m glad you’re here, Kathryn,” he whispers into my hair. “I love you.”

And I begin to think maybe the demons are wrong.


	3. Fear Not This Night

It’s hard not to be afraid sometimes. The demons within me come out at night. Under the cover of darkness, they twist and turn through my mind, warping my thoughts to mirror their own. It’s hard to see the light when my mind is full of darkness.

On these nights, I end up pacing, often with a warm cup of coffee in my hand. The shadows recede as the ship brightens to artificially-lit daylight hours, but the nights can be unbearable sometimes.

The shadows sing to me, songs of misery and grief. Their siren song pulls me in, wrapping me in the thick blanket of loneliness and despair. It’s comforting, in an odd, slightly morbid way. It feels like the one friend who will never leave my side. I wonder, sometimes, if this isn’t my truth. Perhaps this is where I belong, wrapped in the embrace of darkness and my own demise. No one would miss me. No one would care.

Except…

There’s always something that reminds me of him. A rose in a vase on my dining table. The photo on my nightstand. Sometimes the man himself, sleeping in my bed.

There’s one person at least who would miss me. The thought of him drags me out from under the cold fog of my own depression and back to reality. I have someone to live for. I have a reason to hope for a brighter dawn.

And so I stay. It will be hard, I know. But this is where I belong. Here, with the people who care. I feel like walking death, but I will stay in the land of the living. At least for now.

And maybe one day, I’ll vanquish those demons once and for all.


End file.
